Throughout this whole college application process, I have been an emotional wreck. With each application she submits, I feel like it is as much for me as it is for her. She is my daughter; she is the product of every ounce of love and effort and energy I have expended over the past 17 years. She is my biggest investment. She is my everything.But, she is not me, even though I am probably more excited about the acceptance letter than she is. And I am certain that I took the rejection letter a lot worse.
Throughout this whole college application process, I have learned a lot about my daughter that I never knew. I have also felt a lot of guilt/remorse/regret for not doing more over the course of her life to prepare her for this time. Sure, I have always encouraged her academics. Mitch Man and I have always set our expectations high; we have made clear that school is the priority and ensured she was focused and serious about her grades. We did our best to create opportunities for her to pursue her talents and interests, play soccer, and volunteer for worthy causes. We gave her many opportunities to travel, see the world at a young age, and be exposed to different cultures. We did our best to teach her responsibility, compassion, and right from wrong....and hopefully we provided a good example of those things.
But now that we are here, I think I could have done better. I could have invested more money in SAT prep courses and I should have started pushing them on her in elementary school. Maybe I should have sent her to summer school. Maybe we could have done more reading enrichment; music lessons; maybe I should have forced her to join more academic clubs. Maybe I should have intervened her freshman year when she did so poorly in Geometry; perhaps I should have complained about the teacher, switched her class, or hired another tutor. Maybe I should have spent more hours each night poring over homework with her. Maybe I should have started reading her classic literature while she was in utero, or played Mozart to enhance her developing senses. Maybe I should have decorated her nursery in more stimulating colors. I definitely should have used cloth diapers. Dammit. Surely there is a lot more I could have done.Despite my lack of effort, I think she turned out great.
Throughout this process, Mitch Man and I have also been challenged as a couple. He thinks she should do ROTC. (I think that should be her choice.) He thinks she should go to University of Tennessee, where she could get in-state tuition and graduate without much debt and be a Volunteer. (I think she should consider a smaller school because she tends to thrive in smaller, more personal environments, even though it costs more...and I hate orange.) He thinks he should call the college admissions offices every week. (I think he should back off.) At the end of the day, we both have her best interest at heart. We just don't always see eye to eye on every detail.
But here's the thing: Why should it matter what WE think she should do? At what point do we say, "Hannah, we've done our best raising you. We've given you the tools you need to take this next step on your own. We will be here for advice and support. We love you and we are proud of you and we have faith in you to succeed. Good luck."
Kids are full of surprises, not always the way we want or expect. I sometimes find it very difficult to quell my disappointment in my kids when I feel like they are not making the best decisions or trying their hardest at something. For example, with Georgia's soccer talent....oy vey!! The question is, where do you draw the line between encouraging your child to reach their potential, and pushing them too hard to do something they no longer care about?
I admittedly have had a rude awakening over the past few years as I realize more and more that I am not living MY life through them. They are living their own journey. They must make their own decisions and find their own passions in order to be truly independent human beings. The challenge for me is understanding when to push and when to let it go. It is certainly a good reminder when I see other parents who so desperately try to live their lives over again through their kids, and it makes me realize why it's so important not to do that. I often have to check myself to make sure I'm not THAT parent.
If we don't ever let our kids fail, make their own mistakes, deal with adversity, learn tough lessons, and learn how to grow from those experiences now... how are we setting them up to succeed on their own later? We all know that failing and losing and getting rejected is a big part of life. (Or at least it has certainly has been a big part of my life.)
Being a parent ain't easy. I don't have all the answers and I make many mistakes. But I know in my heart that Hannah will succeed in life because she wants to succeed. Not for me, but because that's who she is.
Proudda you, Bean....and FSC has no idea what a great young lady they turned down. Their loss is another school's gain.
1 comment:
What a read...having done what you are doing I could do some correlative introspection here. But the years have shown me that there is no correct and exact Yellow Brick Road leading to success in much of life. Especially raising a child.... Much as the rest of life, parenting is a constant flow of energy and there's not much time for comparison, evaluation and redirection. Success or failure is relative and there really are no measurement tools. No report cards and not much feedback on progress. Only the failures that seem so pronounced when you have a gifted child that accomplishes the achievements as Hannah Bean has done and will continue to do. Breaking in a critter and training it is every bit as difficult ~ except that the consequences of error and failures are not so pronounced. I may be far from objective on this subject but I can assure you that the thoughts and fears you articulate here are not new to me. In fact they are very similar to thousands of "assessments" I have pushed across my mind about 3 wonderful and yet so different children that we were blessed with. No, Tater, there is nothing close to perfection and the anxiety by-product of raising kids is the natural, internal tool God gives us to measure our work and effort, as well as our progress. Getting to "GO" is the goal. Avoiding the detours, natural disasters and the bumps in the road is your charge as a parent. But it's not a race...it's a journey of which the sole purpose is to finish ~ intact ,scared, but with the road complete and the car intact. Repairs and maintenance surely will be required and they don't give Warranties on kids. But the love, bond and life you have shared with Hannah will be the Master Plan she will use, adjust and change in her adult life, much as you have done on the road you have taken with MM from the day you left the proverbial nest. There's no A's, B's or other watermarks to judge our performances. Only a "P" or an "F". You have achieved a very large, chunky, calorie filled "P"! Stand proud, wipe off the road dirt and be ready for the next chapter...it's a short book and the ending comes fast. "You done good...", as the guy that showed me how to tune a car for the 1st time. And your 1st is a Mercedes with lots of great miles ahead. Just keep it tuned. Bostko Casey
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