The Grout Monster

My mother arrived last night with my two lovely nieces. I picked them up at the airport at 11pm, stinky and headachey, after two straight days of cleaning grout. I have been obsessed with my grout all week. My house is swirling with toxic fumes. I have developed a neuromuscular twitching in my right eye and I'm pretty sure that my fingertips have been completely rubbed off because the fingertip swipe on my computer does not recognize me. I've used bleach and mildew remover, baking soda and Oxy Clean. Then I went through 15 Magic Erasers. And then someone told me about ZAP, this mysterious, miraculous grout cleaning liquid stuff that I had to order online. I got five bottles of it. I don't know what's in it, but at first it smells like formaldehyde and then after about eight hours of inhalation, it begins to smell a little like Root Beer.

Tuesday my ZAP arrived in the mail and I scrubbed until 2am. The next morning the floor was very sticky and although it looked better, it still wasn't the miracle I had hoped it would be. So I decided to buy new grout and redo the floors. Of course I had no idea how to do that, so I Googled "How To Grout." This guy on YouTube made it look pretty simple but I didn't have all the fancy schmancy tools I was supposed to have. Luckily I did have a plastic knife and a beach towel. It took me eight hours to do the kitchen and the dining room, and then my mother made me stop. I think she said, "Bethany, step away from the grout. Now."

It took me about thirty minutes in a steaming hot bath to scrub the grout off my fingers, legs, and toes. I think it's still in my hair. The kitchen looks great but the other 75% of my houses still has grayish, brownish, inferior grout. It really really really bothers me. My mother says I need a grout intervention.

The Grout Monster has taken control of my brain and is making me act all crazy-like. I broke down into a fit of hysterics this evening, in front of my nieces and my mother and of course my children. I threw a bottle of Gorilla Snott across the floor and it leaked all over my new grout. Then I screamed at my mother and told everyone to go away. (They are all hiding now.)

It is not my fault. I am so tired that I can barely lift my fingers to type this. My head is pounding and my biceps are burning. I have chest pain. I can't believe all the energy I have invested in this stupid grout! Does anyone even care? Will anyone even notice?!?

Stupid dirty grout! These are three days of my life I will never get back....